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The Maturing of Friendship Partner Relationships with Students

10/25/2019

By this time in the fall semester, Friendship Partner® (FP) relationships with international students are well established and maturing. They have met together several times already, and the relationship is deepening. They may have shared several meals and visited some local sites. They may have introduced the student to extended family members or even made a short trip together. They may have cheered on the FP’s child in a sports event together.

Where does the relationship go from here? How does it mature and deepen further? The simple answer is this: any way the student desires it to. FP relationships are just that—relationships. There is no pressure to do anything but enjoy one another.

Ethical guidelines International Students, Inc. requires volunteers to sign clearly maintains there is not to be any pressure on students regarding religion. That does not mean religion cannot be discussed. Much of the fun of life comes from discussing politics and religion! However, we are clear that there is not to be any pressure or quid pro quos for students to adopt the Friendship Partner’s religious beliefs. If a student is interested in learning about Christianity while here in the U.S., then that is fine. If I were living in Indonesia or Pakistan for some time, I would be interested in learning about their practice of Islam, their beliefs, and their traditions.

The bottom line is that the Friendship Partner® is bounded by only giving invitations to the student, and the student is in the position of choosing to accept or reject a particular invitation. So how does a relationship mature?

Typically, relationships develop through increasing stages of intimacy. Initially, the discussion is about facts—history, details of family structure or culture, or descriptions of past or present experiences. Then the discussion moves deeper into the thinking, values, and beliefs which inform the decisions we make—why we believe what we do about culture, people, and events. Then the discussion moves deeper into feelings about how circumstances and events impact our deepest selves. At this stage of maturing we share who we are as people and make our selves vulnerable to the reactions and responses of others. Unconditional acceptance is critical at this stage of maturing of the relationship.

Celebrating together, crying together, grieving losses together, laughing together are all part of the maturing process. These are the “life” of relationships and bring joy to each of us. How long the maturing takes is different for everyone and every relationship. Relationships cannot be rushed and are dependent upon the interest and skill of each person in developing them.

Principles cited in this blog: Students ultimately lead the development of relationships with Americans. Levels of time, interest, and skill are part of what determines the maturing of these relationships.

Application for ISI ministry: Friendship Partner® relationships are a mainstay of the ministry of International Students, Inc. We honor students by allowing them to determine the depth of relationships and boundaries. Ethically we are bound by these out of respect for the student.

Next blog topic: Individual evangelism and discipleship with students, especially Chinese and Muslim students

Doug Shaw with Derrah Jackson

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International Christian Fellowships and Home Groups

10/18/2019

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International students love hanging out with one another. It is a chance to “let their hair down.” We sponsor several types of events where this is a theme, but two of the most important are International Christian Fellowships (ICF) and Home Groups.

ICFs are often held on campus but could be held in churches or homes with large meeting areas. Some ICFs involve a meal to start with and most include discussions, Bible studies, and the practice of conversational English. Some include music and worship. These groups often develop traditions of their own like a song to welcome new members, ways to celebrate birthdays, or a special speaker who comes each year at a particular time (e.g., Santa Claus). Both believers and non-believers feel comfortable and accepted in these gatherings. They are safe places to enjoy one another and to have conversations about things not talked about on campus.

Home Groups are mini-versions of ICFs, though some can grow quite large. One university ICF could only get a room which would hold 60 students each week on campus. When they switched to Home Groups, they multiplied tremendously in the number of students to whom they could reach out to. Today they have twenty home groups with 20-30 students in each one… a total of more than 400 students they reach out to regularly on that campus.

Home groups typically have three American couples who do the cooking and serve as hosts. The group may meet at one couple’s home all the time or rotate between the three couple’s homes. Often the student leadership of the group will plan outings with the hosts (e.g., rodeo, farm, picnic, movie, professional sports event, historical site, etc.). The students who have a car and the couples provide the transportation. Often the three couples come from the same church, so people in the church may be involved in helping with particular tasks (e.g., driving students) or putting on events (e.g., picnic games, going fishing, shooting skeet, etc.).

These groups provide students with a sense of home and community that the campus does not. Sometimes the three couples have children who are involved in the events and that adds to the sense of home.

ICFs and Home Groups are a place where students see Christ working in and through individuals. That backdrop is powerful when mixed with Bible studies and testimonies of the difference Christ makes in a life. So, by their very nature, these groups have a consistent witness for Christ and are a key source of students choosing to follow Christ.

Principles cited in this blog: Students long for a sense of home and community; ICFs and Home Groups provide that. Often choosing to go small in outreach results in growing large.

Application for ISI ministry: ICFs and Home Groups are a mainstay of ministry for International Students, Inc. because it meets deep needs in students and has a consistent witness for Christ.

Next blog topic: The maturing of Friendship Partner relationships with students

Doug Shaw with Derrah Jackson

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Trips and Outings with New Students

10/11/2019

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The first agenda items of many new international students is to get settled in their new routine and to learn how to navigate the campus and their schedule. However, after the first 6-8 weeks, there is an openness to sight-seeing and exploring this new country. Staff-, volunteer-, and Friendship Partner-led trips and local events can greatly facilitate the student’s desire to go see and do. These are wonderful times to build relational bonds through shared adventures.

Day-trips, weekend overnight trips, camping trips, going to a lake, taking in a professional ball game, or seeing a famous landmark can all be examples of things to do. If there are farms or ranches, students often desire to see one up close. Holidays are a great time to host small local events—Halloween, Thanksgiving, going to see Christmas lights.

Staff and volunteers in Texas take new students to tour NASA in Houston. Working with local churches there, they have a pot-luck supper followed by a presentation by NASA employees who are Christians (or a Christian astronaut) before sending student home with church members for an overnight stay. Sunday morning everyone goes to church together, and the students get special recognition in the service. For the students, the highlight is always staying in an American’s home. For the staff and volunteers, the highlight is the discussions in the car on the 2-4 hour drive to Houston and back. Many spiritual conversations have been begun after initial conversational niceties are completed. These conversations can be followed up one-on-one in the week following.

International Students, Inc. sponsors “TRUE Retreats” across the U.S. and in these four-day events leadership principles are taught. But more importantly, the teaching is combined with games and recreation which the students love as well as planned discussions about leadership (which can morph into spiritual discussions). Follow-up discussions often go late into the night.

Friendship Partners may take students with them to go see Granny for a visit or to a child’s soccer game in another town. Local events might be a child’s school program, local museum, or athletic event. All of these have a warm family feel to them, and students begin to heart-bond with their Friendship Partner family. The conversations to-from-during events are a key. Listening and discussing are powerful relationship builders.

Principles cited in this blog: After initial adjustments, students desire to see some of the sites and country around them. Formal and informal trips and events help new students to adjust and to learn language better. Discussions often morph into spiritual discussions naturally during these.

Application for ISI ministry: Building on student interest and time with them is great for building strong relationships. Special events and normal family events are attractive to new students.

Next blog topic: International Christian Fellowships and Home Groups

Doug Shaw with Derrah Jackson

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The Adjustment of New International Students’ Children

10/4/2019

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The adjustment required of new international students and their spouses is enormous, but the adjustment of their accompanying children may or may not be easier. Age is the big factor in determining the ability of a person to flourish in another culture.

Preschool children may struggle with the new surroundings, schedule, or foods. But family life is pretty routine from the preschooler’s perspective, and that is a comfort to them. The presence of preschool children impacts the adjustment of the mother because of the limitations she has on language and transportation. Imagine the fear in a mother’s heart when her small child gets sick in a foreign country where she does not speak the language well!

School-age children’s adjustment is different. Language, social connections, ability to follow instructions, and fears are all issues these children have to contend with. However, there is such a difference after the first year in all of these issues and most children adjust very well by then. In fact, in some cases too well! Often, the children do not want to go home after 3-4 years. Many times, the reverse culture shock adjustment for children is worse than the initial cross-cultural adjustments.

What can be done to facilitate and assist school-age children’s adjustment? Offering patience along with encouragement and support go a long way in this process. An ethnic church where there are school-aged children who have to live in both worlds can be a wonderful source of relationships and comfort. Parents taking the initiative to invite families from their child’s school classroom on a weekend to get to know them and give the children time to play together can be a stimulus to relationships.

Occasionally, when there are issues of extreme shyness, withdrawal, and fears manifested as tics, a visit to the school counselor to see what aid options are available from the school might be helpful. The new international student husband may need to take the lead in communication with the child’s school due to low language facility with the mother.

Most fears will have been resolved by the end of the first year, and most school-age children make adequate adjustments in their own time and in their own way with the schooling they attend. One thing to note is that many children learning the language go through a “quiet period” where they speak very little, if at all. After six months, they break out and begin to interact very well. Be careful that the quiet period is not misinterpreted as other than normal adjustment.

Principles cited in this blog: School-aged children have more adjustment issues than preschoolers. Usually parents’ fears are unfounded, and the children make adequate adjustment in their own time (some after a 6-month quiet period).

Application for ISI ministry: Helping parents evaluate their school-age child’s adjustment could be a wonderful support to new student parents. Going to the school with the parents and explaining then and later what is happening would be well received.

Next blog topic: Trips and outings with new students

Doug Shaw with Derrah Jackson

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The Maturing of Friendship Partner Relationships with Students

International Christian Fellowships and Home Groups

Trips and Outings with New Students

The Adjustment of New International Students’ Children

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